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Live from rehab... Its Jim!
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| BZZZZZ. |
[20 Jan 2006|11:37pm] |
I don't know what it is, whether or not its the antidepressants doing their initial burst into my system, or the relief of the weekend away from the counselors or what but I am agitated like a mother fucker... I feel rather good, but this is too much... its like the moods when I start having cleaning fits... except I still have no motivation to do stuff.. One of the other guys here said he was on this stuff same stuff once and when he first took it it did this to him... so I don't know... restless would be a good word to describe it... I'm tired and will be sleeping soon, but I feel like, well I feel like hopping in Truck (who doesn't exist anymore, thanks little bro) and driving towards Lansing... Yes I've done it before... just got up, got in it and started driving at like 2 in the morning... got there (somewhere around where the meps station is) and got bored and turned around. And now I'm a going to bed... I think I need a icon for this mood... I tried to make one... but can't for some reason... the ones I tried looked angry or terrified... SLEEP NOW.
-Jim
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| Pill Head |
[19 Jan 2006|10:20pm] |
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i cant keep my moods consistant, when I should be happy based on previous experiences and activities, I feel like crap. I have no direct reason except for the fear and dread that I wont be able to change or start changing and that I have been wasting everybodies time here. I always feel like I'm being treated like an idiot whenever I talk to someone, anyone, who is above me. ( ...read more... )
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| On top of everything, I have a toothache. |
[10 Jan 2006|10:33pm] |
First off, I miss Mer like crazy. I sit here at night and find the pictures of her and us she has on her LJ and I just think "Aw, I miss her." Or something like that.
I can't share my feelings or think of right answers. I don't know why. The usual psychologists opinion is that it's because I never did it when I was growing up. Which is true, but it was mostly my fault.
What are my good points? I don't know what they are.
Honest and openness are not the same thing, but not being open with your thoughts and feelings is either caused by or causes not being honest with yourself ( I forgot how it was worded in the book).
We are often led astray by our own negative thoughts and ideas.
I don't think the topic of the meeting tonight was a coincidence. It was about being honest and open and confessing all one's shortcomings to another person. (step 5 for anyone familiar with AA)
Here are mine:
I don't feel I'm worth anything, in life, work, friendships, relationships
I have huffed. Sometimes to get off, sometimes just to get high, and sometimes becuase I wanted to but didn't want to kill my self.
I have comitted adultery (once, not proud of it). In AIT.
I have stolen things from many people. Money from dad. Unmentionables from mom, sis, and others.
I have shoplifted random things, specific things I wanted, and stuff to get high. Got caught at the RightAid by dads old place once, they told me to leave and never come back.
I hate people who are different than me mentally.
I'm a 20 year old little kid.
-Jim
42 Days clean
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[09 Jan 2006|11:13pm] |
I can make it through this ordeal (read: life changing exoperience) with out doing something stupid to get myself kicked out. I just don't know if I will make enough progress that they will consider me a success. While getting a sponsor to talk to would be great, they want one that is near me that I can talk to and see. I just need someone to talk to that would understand what I'm going through. Giving myself up to a higher power is going to be difficult because, um..., I don't believe in one? After going through all this I don't even want to drink until I'm 21 now. I have a lot of stuff running through my head now. Like the fact that I can think of no reason for living that they will accept, even though I don't want to die. All I've got is I don't want to hurt those I love and I don;t want to be remembered as that guy who killed himself. So why don;t I think about that when I want to get high? I will and am now. I love you all. 'Specially Mer. I love you lots and lots babe. I'm doing this for me so I can be better for you and everyone else. I don't need to get high to relax, I already know of lots of stuff to do instead. So wish me luck. Night everybody, its time for bed.
-Jim
41 days clean.
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| "Latenight insight" |
[07 Jan 2006|01:27am] |
1: I am inconsitant when it comes to my moods and answers
I new that
2: I have always had a problem with mom not being around
Comes from being babied too much as a sickly kid
3: I do everything I do to get attention
I think it is true
4: When I get too much attention I don't want I break down and all I want to do is run away
Thats why everytime I have to talk to much about something I cry or say nothing
-Jim
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| Day 3 |
[06 Jan 2006|10:01pm] |
Not quite so angry day, had a bit of a cry, but all is well. I find any time I open up and am made to think about what I'm really thinking, I get choked up. I guess being forced to come out of my shell hurts. Especially when the counselors abuse us verbally in the way that a gatling gun abuses a human body. But it makes us say the absolute simple truth? Maybe, possibly, I dunno. They were picking on me for what I wrote in my reflection yesterday, two sentences and the word fuck. So I dunno. More to come tomorrow.
-Jim
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| Day 2 part 2 |
[06 Jan 2006|07:39am] |
I got back from AA and just angrily scribbled out another page and a half of my autobiography. Is it a problem that I can't/won't subvert myself to be the broken, super-compliant person they want me to be? I don't know what they are going to do to me for being so hostile, I don't even know what my unit will do if I get kicked out of here, they never told me the consequences they'd push for if I didn't stay through it. Alchoholism counselors think everyone is in denial / lying about their problem, they won't even consider that some one may have just had a bad night (this isn't even talking about me now, one of the others here). From listening to everything, their vague explanations of what an alchoholic is, everyone who drinks could be considered an alchoholic. Only those who are, I guess I want to say "righteous" (sp), and can't stand to drink alchohol/ who have never drank alchohol are in the right. I don't know, I need food. Oh, and this is not meant to knock down the successes of those who have a problem with alchohol and have been able to make the right choice for them and not drink. I know this is getting away from my problem. I have learned things while here: It is a choice to do or not, and I have to learn why I make the choice to do. More insight to come later.
-Jim
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| Day 2, part 1 |
[05 Jan 2006|04:23pm] |
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I might have been misdiagnosed as an alchoholic because I answered some questions on this thing not as about alchohol but if it were asking about huffing... very angry today... More to come probably.
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| Day 1 |
[04 Jan 2006|10:13pm] |
I'm here, I don't feel comfortable at all. In the "fellowship" (the ATC group here) I'm ok and can talk about things a bit, but going to the AA meetings really make this hard, I know an addiction is an addiction, but wen they are all talking about choosing not to drink because they can't control it I feel guilty because from what I've seen of my drinking habits I can control it, and do intend to drink when I get out of here (when I come of age to do so of course). I don't want to say anything about my problems and experiences because it has little to do with what they are trying to do. I can open up in our group, but I really don't know what to do. I still have a lot of time to figure things out, but I dunno...
-Jim
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| Day -1 |
[03 Jan 2006|09:36pm] |
My first day. I don't know what to think of things yet... tomorrow when I actually sit in the sessions I hope I'll be able to open up. I don't want to just sit and think everything I want to say, i need to actually say things too. Thats what I have always done, sit wwith a group of people and listen to them talk and just take what I hear and what it makes me feel and I just lock it away. The only time I really say anything ever is when i'm asked for my opinion or asked a direct question... I want to get through this, I want to get better, I want to stop putting apostrophies and semi colons where they don't belong (you'd understand if you saw this before I checked it over)
I went to an AA metting tonight. I didn't say anything, but I may tomorrow, I just sat and listened to these other peoples stories of when they decided they needed help, or when they have seen things/people that made them look back on their life and say "yea, that was me". I'm not an alchoholic, but I've been told the same principles still apply when it comes to trying to dealing with my problems.
For anyone who doesn't know what my problem is, I am an addict, I can't stop my self from huffing things to get high. I have a long history of it. Since seventh grade I have been doing it off and on. It was always just something to do, I used to do it to get off, but now I do it just for the pure time killing joy of it. I can think of fewer things more fun to do sometimes than to just space out on edge dressing and half pay attention to cartoons.
i dunno, I ran out of confessions...
-Jim
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